chrysanthemum pu-er

chrysanthemum is one of those teas that you give as gifts and for delightful gatherings.  pu-er, you have with dim sum or anything chinese, really... or mexican!  it's a heavy-duty tea, which cuts through sour tensions and awkward pauses.  you gotta appreciate the juxtaposition.

one day soon, i'll be so very very overjoyed by how misery has been turned into reproducing blessings.  do you love the christianese or what?  there just doesn't seem to be a better way to state my anticipation.

so shinobu baba is one of my favourite artists.  i found his work in nagasaki last month and just fell in love.  i'm not often smitten with landscapes and i could never never paint one.  yak.  i'm awful.  i do organic stuff, mostly.  however baba's presentation of simple streets and everyday experiences are like that of a child's.  buildings and clouds seem to be made of the same matter and light has substance and a presence as round drops of color. 

but there are almost never any people in his scenes.  well, the 'scapes themselves have enough movement, drama, and whimsy for there not to have any animals in them at all, but sometimes they make me a bit sad.  they're like beautiful masks, hiding... nothing, because there's nothing to hide... because there exists nothing.... nobody.

plum oolong

soothing oaky-ness, the front man for a bold plum aroma.  passive aggressiveness in flavor.

i had a staff meeting at harlem place cafe, a little hide-away in downtown l.a. that's nestled in between some buildings.  they've got this prohibition era inspired attitude about them.  whom?  i dunno.  the people who run it?

anyway, we'll be having our january show there so yay for us.

you know when you expose an inner portion of yourself and those to whom you revealed it slash it with a knife?  well, i found something that'd make anyone wish that that was what was happening:  when someone doesn't respond.

mission for the rest of this year:  learn the lesson of the plum oolong.

apricot rum

steamy aroma of tangy fruit danced in the space before me as i fought hard to keep my voice quiet in a capsule of a room today.

i would be misrepresenting the subject if i did not address disappointment in the discourse of relationships.  is that what this has become?  a blog about relationships?  oh God, i'd rather be forced to watch "harry potter" movies, back-to-back for a week.

and please forgive the following writer's taboo:  hahahaha!

cold barley

when i first moved to the states from korea when i was 6, i saw americans drinking clear water and thought, "ew, gross.  americans are dirty.  they drink washing water."  i had never drunk regular water in korea.  barley tea was for drinking.  clear water was for washing.

so today is christmas eve.  one of my favourite days of the year.

a friend and i went to christmas service at our church's new campus (kind of like a "branch").  i've been excited about this new church plant and excited to get to know our new pastor.  he's different from many of the other pastors at my church.  he shares openly and often about how God speaks to him and he seems to feel free to express his worship and the using of his spiritual gifts in more open ways than most of the other pastors at my church.  ok... i'll be flat about it--he's a lot more charismatic than the rest.  that's more clear, yes?

i was excited about that because his seemed to be closer to my style of worship.

here's a question... has anyone else noticed that, often, the more charismatic groups of believers seem to experience God's presence and power a great deal, but express and live out His love less than other groups?

kukicha

organic green tea.  roasted tea twigs and stems from japan.  very mild earthy quality... almost briny.  so different from how i thought it would taste.

i had tea and soup with an old friend today.  hmm, that's very strange to say.  he's actually a former student of the campus mission organization with whom i used to be on staff.  being from an asian culture, describing him as a friend is bizarre.  like addressing your professor father as "professor" in public.  almost a little gross?

what is it with asians?  why do 40 year olds look like 20 year olds?  and why do they treat you like you're a child if you're remotely younger than they are?

we touched on that between our sips of tomato basil bisque.

where does one draw the line between what i feel comfortable portraying about myself and what others prefer to view in order to perceive the proper elements of myself?  for a creative person who lacks that natural ability to sense social nuances, this is becoming a life-long quest.

nagasaki matcha latte

there's a crackling as the hot water is poured over the powder.  and soon, green froth floats above a soothing elixir of potent flavor.

i recently took a trip to nagasaki, japan.  it's what my church calls a PEACE trip.

cherry blossom

green tea dancing with tunes of sweet tang and floral ribbons.

another email from the assailant.  my ministry staff and i have been indulging him by responding to each of his accusational points and gently asking him to cease his slanderous tones.  however with each communication from us, he's been flinging back at us, not responses, but more of his opinions and arrows.

today's the limit.

i couldn't sleep at all two nights ago.  i went to an important meeting early the following morning, slow and zombie-fied.  i'd never been under such direct attack and blatant unmerited insults.  none of us have ever met this guy.

so today, the part of love that does not delight in evil, but embraces truth had to take action.

exhausted.  thank you, God for green tea and cherry.

vanilla comorro

black tea with a hint of vanilla--a scent that became wildly popular during the 90's and quickly nauseating in the 2000's.

this business of hating folk... truly a destructive force, i must say.  it doesn't necessarily propel as much anger as it boils, does it?

so after some time of wrestling with my utter hideousness, i've come to a conclusion--i have to let it go.  and it's not only possible, it's what this life is meant to do.

recently i came across some people whose philosophies were so set in stone in its most minor points that anything challenging those points in any hint of a way would be met with quick judgment and accusations.  there was a time when i was that way...

i do not regret my passion, nor what i stood for.  however i do regret the manner with which i communicated them. 

i can't continue to hate.  it's too energy-consuming.  and i need my energy to fight off the forces that attack those i love.

chocolate souffle

honeybush, chocolate chips, cream caramel pieces, rosebud

birth of scraps

having recently been blind-sighted a few times, by people i trusted, with information that they chose to use to sever their ties with me, i began to wonder if i'm the only one who lives the way i was taught--if something's wrong, fix it.

i was sitting in a cafe with a friend, talking about a film.  she was obscenely loud and the entire room was shooting surreptitious glares my way.  naturally she didn't notice.  she lived in freedom from social awareness.  however i couldn't bare disturbing others and i really couldn't stand her being THAT GIRL.  so i lowered my head and whispered to her that she was being a bit loud.

lemonade matcha

what is the thread in the human experience?
relationship.

there was a time when i would've answered "pain, significance, sex, or disappointment."  the last thing i would have thought of was relationship.  yet, each of my possible answers have an underlying origin--relationship.

boracay

so a very dear friend of mine, one with whom i've traveled a great deal around the realm of growth, and i had us a small visit yesterday.  at one moment--a very calm and transitional moment--i was shocked at the image before me.  my two friends, married, putting their son into a stroller pulled from the back of an SUV. 

nevertheless, there we were, with our teas and sandwiches, talking about the latest couples in the ministry we used to be parts of.  i swirled my coconut and mango mixture in my mouth and began to wonder if i'd ever meet anyone whose life began extremely spiritually passionate and, later, never became contrastly cold and doubtful.

perhaps it's a necessary step.  i mean, in order to fully believe something, you've got to test it and experience it.  no matter how convinced your mind is of a concept, how could your body and emotions and will get on board without being convinced themselves?

in this respect, could i say that i'm thankful for my bitter and cynical beginnings?

iced bangkok

green tea with a whisper of lemon grass.  guest of honor--soy milk.

so this month, i'm in nyc.  hot, sweaty nyc.

this afternoon, a friend of mine and i moseyed across pratt with our million pound computers to do a little work at a cozy little nook called pillow cafe.  i worked on sketches for a client's calling card.  it's a simple job.  very cute, very bubbly client.  naturally, i'm trying to find a loop-hole where i can add a bit of edge to the design.

but my thoughts kept crawling toward the events of the past week.

fijian sunset

organic green tea, papaya, and wild pineapple.

a sister visited from korea so what began as a gang of people became an intimate flock who gathered around an order of devourable hummus and blue corn chips.

what makes a community?  certainly not a mosh-pit of wandering 20 somethings escaping from reality to a false sense of stability.  yet there we were, catching up on each other's lives which had long since joined the rest of the world with all of its laws of cause and effect.  we were like old friends, now all mothers, getting together for tea on a summer afternoon... except absolutely nothing like that at all.

there were talks of new careers, going back to grad school, and mulling over what country to live in next.  certainly not a soccer-mom discussion.  life after having buried 2 years of your life in a foreign country can bring about some interesting postpartum symptoms.

raspberry bliss

met with a former student of cal state fullerton, where i used to direct a campus mission group.

that class is all grown up now and having careers of their own... it's strange to see them be actual humans with lives that have weight and consequences. is that not the ultimate (no, i'm not going to say paradox) irony? i spent 4 years getting them to believe that their lives are significant and when i see that they live that way, i'm fascinated.

what did he drink? i think it was north end... a puh-er tea with a hint of chocolate. i had a tin of it at home and it was gone in 3 days.

raspberry bliss sounds pokingly sweet, but it had a blanket of flavor. not that the taste covered my tongue, but that it made me think of being wrapped in a blanket. it wasn't hot tea, but something about it's aroma and limited acidity was... round...

like the former student's journey into the great unknown. because of so many twists and turns, it was expected to be poky, but is proving to be just what he needed.

kombucha plum

so i'm a frequent patron at this wonderful gem of a nook in fullerton called tranquil tea lounge. it's the best place to find truly lovely tea and delicious food for normal people prices in orange county.

many an interesting conversation have been had over their tea and i've decided to comment on them as i have them... so here goes:

the first of many tea experiences.

i thought this green tea would taste heavily of fruity tanginess, but it did not. it was delightfully fragrant and subtly plum-y. and the color of it made me feel like i was drinking a melted jewel concocted for angels or mythical deities.

we giggled and chatted about weddings and my absolute detest of korean buffet catering. it was like one of those scenes in movies that make cackling hen of women. i didn't care. someone i dearly care about is getting married and i'm going to be a girl.

she's giving me an entire party to plan... with a generous budget! i must say my mind is reeling.

parachute pants

so commitment and consistency might not be one of my strongest suits (this is commenting on the fact that it's been over a month since my past post). however, determination, i'm hoping, will overcome that weakness...

anyway, i watched "the september issue" yesterday and was deeply moved. is it terribly cliche of me? i can't help it. despite my madness over films like "citizen kane" (yes, i am publicly admitting that i genuinely enjoy it), "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind," "giant," and "la jette," i am, at heart, a girlie girl who also loves "clueless," "breakfast at tiffany's," "music and lyrics," and "the devil wears prada."

"september" was quite literally the real life version of "prada," complete with that moment--a mere instant--of human sorrow and vulnerability. but it was enough to touch me. as an artist, i understand the significance of creating and partaking in culture. however there was definite pain in the eyes of the woman who had given all of her life for something that is such a thin sliver of that of others.

and don't get me wrong. i absolutely adore fashion. i've been a dailycandy subscriber since they first started and despite the mocking glances of my best friends 3 years ago, i purchased a fabulous little pair of purple parachute pants at h&m for only $10 and now they're everywhere for much more. however the sober truth is that the importance of that aspect of life has increased dramatically from its true meaning by the business itself. if all the aspects of life were charted out, the clothes one wears would not be allotted the same amount of units as... say... health. or education. and what about the different subdivisions of those? mental health, emotional health, philosophy, world view... the categories are too numerous to count. surely, the value of CLOTHES would not want to compete with the value of those things, though most of us live as if it does... and has won.

nevertheless, i believe the human soul, though undetected, must sense... or even measure all the ways in which it is being fulfilled--investing and gaining. and if that is the case, i would think that pouring all of my other categories into this one tiny one, leaving the rest blank, might, at one time or another, give me a sense of emptiness.

therefore, that fleeting glimpse of sincerity on the face of anna wintour during the last few seconds of the film struck me with compassion and reality.

rantings of the madman building a garden in my mind grapes

so... today i was suddenly attacked by a monster. it clung to my shoulders and wouldn't let go, but it did travel. to my head. there, it began to dig and dig, and i thought i would die from the pain if it hadn't abruptly stopped to lay eggs. they hatched and pretty soon there were millions of them crawling all over.

o_O

i don't suppose i mentioned in any of my past postings about a huge event that my ministry is having on april 23rd and 24th? yes, well, i have now, haven't i?

it's something that i've been dreaming about for years, since i graduated college--to be an artist who ministers to other artists so that they may reach still other artists. (i won't go into the details of my calling now. much of the philosophy can be read about in a condensed format at derekstar.org) needless to say, i have no model to follow in doing this, yet i keep meeting new artists who want discipleship and to be a part of such a community of creative people.

monster, thy name is stress

this reminds me of when i drew this.

but there's a peace and a confidence in knowing that God knows what i'm going through and cares about my issues enough to address them. this morning, in His Word, He prepared me for this assault on my sanity:

When the Message we preached came to you, it wasn't just words. Something happened in you. The Holy Spirit put steel in your convictions. 1 Thessalonians 1:5a (MSG)

oh, the wonderful aroma of battle. don't you love when emotions fight will? ah, the stench~

normal and uncommon

sometimes i feel like i'm living in the 1% community of christians in the entire world that aren't absolute morons. is it sometimes, or all of the time?

where did these people learn these ridiculous ideas? who taught them that it's "good" to be ignorant about religions, science, politics, and sex? why do they act completely out of their minds sometimes? what are they actually doing when they're "spending time with the Lord?" do they just sit there crouched in an uncomfortable position, hands folded, eyes closed, muttering to themselves morologic gibberish until they feel better? or pour over theological books for hours and write hundreds of pages about what that one word in revelations means? i mean, seriously, where are all the logical, practical people outside the few i know?

recently, after my fling with studio 60, i finally became fed up with all the inaccurate portrayals of christians in the media. can you say, "cliche?" yes, i know. but follow me down to rabbit hole, won't you?

it was never a curiosity before. i mean, it's only natural that most writers, producers, directors, and actors making the stuff that get the most audiences would know nothing about a belief that most of them find archaic, offensive, and controlling. they make plenty of shows and films about medicine, government, and law to which they are oblivious, and it shows in the inaccurate rubbish of all their particulars. my epidemiologist friend and i used to spend numerous delightful evenings laughing at the logic behind many episodes of house and star trek.

however, once in a while, though imaginative and far-fetched, we come across a generally possible depiction of science, politics, family, world affairs, and life. (though, i will say that for the most part, these illustrations, as with all art, were meant to present aspects of reality rather than the whole and so are yet quite departed from an entire representation) it isn't so different from the reality that we, as the audience, have come to know that we detach ourselves from it. that is the very backbone of narrative--to capture the perceiver with the believability so that one may take him anywhere one wants.

yet it's nearly impossible for me to follow my story-tellers anywhere when they incorporate christians into their stories because i simply cannot believe it any longer. like when koreans watch "lost" and immediately become disillusioned with all the terrible korean being spoken. no matter how much i want to believe. it is impossible.

so, WHY is there so little to no believable christian characters in american cimena/television? well, that's an entire theological book all on its own. however, one thing that's struck me recently is this:
THAT THERE ARE NO NORMAL CHRISTIANS AROUND.

alright, to be fair, i actually mean... around those who are writing and making these art pieces.

there are insane christian characters who kneel in the middle of a business meeting to pray and sleep with their bosses on tv. there are characters who go around in thick knitted sweaters condemning people and reciting bible verses from the king james version and saying that sex is a sin. and there are minister characters who look cool and swear and date non-christians and pray almost all day every day.

where in the darkness of aphrodite's butt-hole did these writers get these ideas?!

i submit that they got them from real life. no wonder non-christians are confused about what christians are like. there are very very few actually normal ones living.

i'm writing right now

the first choice to make in the celebrate recovery program is the reality choice. i admit that i have no control over my problems, my past, my pain, and other people and that i'm helpless in dealing with my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. trying to control these things in my life only results in failure, frustration, guilt, and fatigue. why is guilt the only "g" word? man... that's going to bother me forever now. ugh.

reel it in...

ok, so here is my real-life example of the truth in the need for the first choice. i tried to set up this blog and write in it every day. i mustered up my will-power and made the commitment.

enter humanity.

i wish there was a letter in the english alphabet that stands for that sound that comes out when someone's stepped on your foot. i shall represent that sound thus: "@#%*"

now where was i?

...
...
...

honestly, i have no idea what i wanted to write about today. the things that run around in my mind are incoherent due to the cumulative 10 hours of sleep it had this past week, coupled with the days packed with interacting with humans back to back. oh how i love the humans.

again, that thing i do that bites me in the butt--sincerity that sounds sarcastic.

alrighty, that will be the next topic of interest for me. love for humans.

art monkey butt franks.

late in the game

so, after what feels like an entire generation after the beginning of xanga and friendster (oh man, i just realized there might now be people out there who don't even know what those things are), i've begun another one of these things. however, this time, unfortunately, it wasn't obligatory. is that unfortunate or courageous?

insecure much?

this is how many of my unnecessary conflicts with people have occurred. and also why watching "curb your enthusiasm" is sometimes therapeutic. i say or do things out of simple honesty, which hold contrary cultural definitions, and unintentionally communicate something absolutely the opposite of what i'm thinking or believing. thank God for larry david and his stupid antics. there really is someone out there like me!

does it concern me that that someone is a cynical, balding jewish writer/comedian in the winter of his life? no. maybe it should concern him that he's very much like a sarcastic, 30 year old, korean, christian illustrator/missionary girl. right now, nobody wants to be any of those things... except maybe an illustrator. but not even that because of the economy. i just met a janitor at olive garden the other day who graduated from cal arts with an animation degree.