tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53766976560777541002024-03-13T01:19:35.953-07:00a kokab weltanshauungi'm not a fan of christianese outside of the church culture. also, i'm not of fan of when people are mis-represented. so here's me, taking a risk by exposing my private life and thoughts so that there's at least one christian who is being represented in reality.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-39383376050970181252011-11-18T11:46:00.000-08:002011-11-18T11:46:40.308-08:00masala chaifor the longest time, i loathed anything with a cinnamon flavor. naturally, a chai was a gruesome enemy of my tastebuds.<br />
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but sometimes, when you overcome a small inconvenience, you gain a large benefit. chai is a superfood, high in antioxidants and great for circulation. <br />
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i think forgiveness is one of those things. man, does it sting like a mug. but once it's done, how free do you feel?<br />
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i don't pretend to be some generous person with lots of grace and patience. oh no, sir. i have yet to meet a more evil character that mine. but i think everyone has the capacity to forgive. the painful-as-hell-part is choosing to do it. and i think why it's that way is that that other person will never know what they did or ever agree with you that it was wrong of them to hurt you. and they'll probably go on continuing to hurt others the same way. that gets me.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-31593809225445566992011-11-17T09:43:00.000-08:002011-11-17T09:49:11.705-08:00st. john's wartat first, there's nothing at all, so you take a big sip. then, BLAM! it hits you in the face with a sucker punch.<br />
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a few years ago, i made a mental note to myself not to get too close to <a href="http://www.officearrow.com/small-business-management/personality-analysis-identifying-and-managing-the-phlegmatic-temperament-oaiur-3225/view.html">phlegmatics</a>. then, some time last year, i got stupid and started getting closer to a phleg friend of mine. when will you ever learn, you dumb, dumb girl?<br />
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<a name='more'></a>having once been told that i'm not worth getting to know any more deeply, by a friend who promised to love no matter what, i decided that people who hold onto complaints until it has to explode are dangerous. never did i suspect that another close friend of mine would be the same.<br />
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why does it have to be one or the other? why can't people share their disappointments, frustrations, questions, annoyances, or whatever before it gets to the boiling point? or at least inquire about them so that they gain a more accurate understanding about whatever it is. usually, i find that when i ask questions, i'm less disappointed, frustrated, or annoyed. why must it be one extreme or another?<br />
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i learned, during staff training with cru, to handle conflict early, before it becomes an actual issue. also, this was to facilitate better understanding of oneself as well as others on one's team. as result, i became someone who addresses potential issues early in order to understand and become more intimate, rather than allow them to accumulate, become a problem, and then explode, in order to sever ties. however, i've learned over the years that some people (mostly phlegmatics) see even small mentions of potential issues as an explosion and so fear the resolution process that they go into defensive mode even before the conflict is mentioned.<br />
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isn't that insane?<br />
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*shrug*starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-61402589698624701462011-11-15T10:41:00.000-08:002011-11-16T14:50:26.361-08:00pineapple black teastrong and in your face. it's not easy for me.<br />
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all my life, my closest friends had one complaint about me--that getting to know me was like the disney company. it's easy to be drawn in, but nearly impossible to get to the core. is that so terrible?<br />
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yes, it is.<br />
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i'd always needed lots of stimulation in the mind. when things were too obvious and blatant, i tend to attribute less value to it. flavors are always better in layers, stories seem more intriguing with twists, and paintings using more colors feel more sophisticated.<br />
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therefore, i never felt comfortable exposing me in one grand show. who does? however, i might've been a tad over-zealous in keeping things in layers. for instance, in high school, i was a song-leader and key-club designer, but also in most of my classes, i was the weird girl in all black who sat in the corner and drew how people might die. my classmates felt betrayed when they saw me performing at pep-rallies. also, having been a teen in the 90s, naturally i was (and still am) a lover 90s hip-hop. who can forget size 40 cross-colors? and yet at home, i frequently enjoyed evenings in my bubble bath with bessie smith, a butera royal vintage, and a chocolate martini. needless to say, my friends often felt like they didn't truly know me.<br />
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in my mind, i was leaving a trail of clues for those truly interested to gather and form an accurate opinion. i never thought that that could be frustrating. i do now.<br />
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ever meet a person so very much like yourself in one aspect that it sickens you? on one hand, i'm thankful that i get to see how others might feel about my weaknesses. and on the other hand, i want to strangle that person's neck.<br />
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anyone? <br />
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yes, i'm seeing, through a friend of mine, that perhaps keeping all my worlds apart so strictly could be quite a frustrating and distance-forming habit. i'm beginning to re-think how i reveal my life to those around me.<br />
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i will never be a pineapple black tea. all that sugar and flavor all at once. yak. but perhaps i don't have to be so hidden and my layers so well-guarded that it takes all eternity to figure out.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-48136814652060978992011-06-15T15:20:00.000-07:002011-06-16T10:21:03.155-07:00inachevee de Constantinoplegreen tea w/ apples, almonds, roses. fruit, nuts, and flowers. who thought these would go so well together?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqSELFPFlilm_uCVtCn5hFUoooDZaW3r25PYAZ4RpXFHOCEPvtuUWBomEQ86jS28-sUzoXuWxghsOAyjV6_VAHRhowN51JyAJkgF1LS_DqUwIrQQxVF6JbBPfOyr9sXNRy_7kM91LYMtP9/s1600/hope+sm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqSELFPFlilm_uCVtCn5hFUoooDZaW3r25PYAZ4RpXFHOCEPvtuUWBomEQ86jS28-sUzoXuWxghsOAyjV6_VAHRhowN51JyAJkgF1LS_DqUwIrQQxVF6JbBPfOyr9sXNRy_7kM91LYMtP9/s400/hope+sm.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<a name='more'></a>my sr. year at Otis was an epic season. that's when I was convicted that I was born to be part of a movement in the arts and culture of significant proportions. little did I know that that truth would take an extra 8 years to realize.<br />
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I grew as an artist, believing that "good" art always spoke openly about the Gospel and that all those that did not was of less sophisticated origins. moreover, I was taught, through modeling, that the pinnacle of inspiration for art comes from the kind of theology that one learns from books and the verbal teachings of ministry leaders. naturally this caused me to cling as hard as possible to the leaders around me.<br />
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i recall a particularly celebratory moment after my very first mission trip to thailand, a place and a people with whom i fell in love. our team had been back home for a month and was eager to have a reunion. we took a delightful stroll on 3rd street promenade and had lunch. i ordered a glass of delicious pinot gris and expected to have a wonderful afternoon with my beloved spiritual family. instead, the following few hours became more awkward than a string of christopher walken scenes. it wasn't until the following day that i realized that it was because i was drinking alcohol.<br />
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so any time an experience with my friends, the taste of a dessert, a fight with my parents, or a great pair of boots in a window would inspire me, I tried hard to suppress it with mental applications of God's Word. I fought hard the attraction toward exploring ideas or situations that many of my brothers and sisters would label as "liberal." I was the most conservative liberal you'd ever meet. <br />
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<br />
however eventually, that self-suppression took its toll on a core part of me--my creativity. before i knew it, i was sapped of all that was passionate, intriguing, or generative about me. and it took another year or two to figure out what had happened. and by that time, i was already a bitter and confused product of ignorance and pride. it took all that for me to realistically examine the truth about creativity and aesthetics.<br />
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i won't say that all such explorations should yield the same results or be conducted the same way, or even have the same motives. however, i suspect that genuine confrontation of what it means to create and how creation happens will at least graze the notion that mankind requires variation and regeneration. for me, the existence of things like species of animals and plants with which humans have no contact and a part of the female anatomy that has no other purpose other than that of pleasure kept me from denying that God values aesthetics. <br />
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this meant that the experience of exercising my senses could actually ADD to my growth and maturity, rather than distracting from it. and once that was made clear, through not only examination of the world, but supported by God's Word <b>(<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+4:13&version=NIV"><strong></strong></a><strong><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+16:31&version=NIV">Exodus 16:31, </a></strong><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+16:31&version=NIV"><strong></strong></a><strong><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+34:8&version=NIV">Psalm 34:8,</a></strong><strong><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+4:13&version=NIV"> Hebrews 4:13</a>)</strong></b><strong>, </strong>i was able to truly live freely, as i was designed to be. <br />
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indeed, who ever thought that these would go so well together: a deep meditation on sex and death, a season of dread and emptiness, and finally a spiritual cleansing and growth. fun stuff, no?starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-34824587254558345572011-05-09T09:58:00.000-07:002011-05-09T10:02:45.211-07:00cacao cafedark, delightfully roasted italian coffee with cacao powder. a dreamy concoction of buttery goodness.<br />
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these last two months have been a whirlwind of gooey synapses.<br />
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my organization began to work closely with another organization, which is actually just one married couple, so it's really one person, isn't it? we've become uncommonly bonded and, like coffee and cacao, there seems to be a harmonious blend of textures and flavours within us as a team.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidz8xNVF06H6-DK3nMDvkcDmu5ODjJeb8Jvv2aukqo7Q5WAkMTpBHtHM95Uiku0GTDxvEDUrBceiryFUmlq45c-VplBdGVhH4Wj2alHsBiLl3bJDQ6OlpVb64CazCOKsp0iUgeGF9ctozu/s1600/i+see+you+sketch+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidz8xNVF06H6-DK3nMDvkcDmu5ODjJeb8Jvv2aukqo7Q5WAkMTpBHtHM95Uiku0GTDxvEDUrBceiryFUmlq45c-VplBdGVhH4Wj2alHsBiLl3bJDQ6OlpVb64CazCOKsp0iUgeGF9ctozu/s400/i+see+you+sketch+1.jpg" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>sketch for piece about awareness of the sex trade</i></td></tr>
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beware of fast friendships, i always say. being timid about my abilities as of late--all my abilities, even things like brushing my teeth. i brush for even longer now, just to make sure i've done it properly--i've been second-guessing most of the thoughts of wisdom that pop into my mind from time to time. however, this one i will not ignore. it's time to get back up and live life.<br />
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so how does one be wary of relationships which begin this way? there are already several ways in which we trust one another and we are past the point of open doors in each others' lives that are merely for the public. more importantly, how does one keep wise and mindful without being bitter and fearful?<br />
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the yummy-ness of the outcome of the former keeps me conscientious about this task. i've experienced the depth, the truth, the freedom, and security of friendships which began wisely, with deliberate steps, with humility and learning, which built strong foundations and are lasting even till now. and naturally, i've also experienced the heart-ache, frustration, instability, and grief of haphazardly throwing myself into a promise which i could not keep.<br />
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it is a rarely talked-of topic, and even feared to be addressed in one's mind, is it not? well, i dare to address it... for the sake of lasting friendships.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-56169809900433952802011-03-14T18:06:00.001-07:002011-03-14T18:06:58.054-07:00silver needleabout alice's tea cup in the upper west side of manhattan:<br />
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oh how absurd absurd can be,<br />
when we begin to think<br />
and grow into our duller selves<br />
and let our silly shrink.<br />
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many more of these, i say!<br />
with eggs and sauce and tea,<br />
a place for lace and glitterings<br />
and words from you to me. starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-81011706324564428132011-03-08T15:55:00.000-08:002011-03-08T15:55:37.704-08:00chrystal meth teait's my own blend.<br />
identity crisis in tea form. base of chrysanthemum and green teas with dried mangoes and spices. schizophrenic, really.<br />
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what does one do when there are creatures to be created and too many ways to create them?<br />
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i've gone nearly the entirety of the route: admitting that i might possibly have ADHD, embracing the notion that i'm a commitment-phobe, denying any of these and forcing myself to stick to one medium, and finally collapsing in a heap of despair and utter worthlessness. yet what can one do when none and all of the media are of high interest?<br />
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it's very difficult...starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-9380958643228289272010-12-30T20:09:00.000-08:002010-12-30T20:09:13.431-08:00chrysanthemum pu-erchrysanthemum is one of those teas that you give as gifts and for delightful gatherings. pu-er, you have with dim sum or anything chinese, really... or mexican! it's a heavy-duty tea, which cuts through sour tensions and awkward pauses. you gotta appreciate the juxtaposition.<br />
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one day soon, i'll be so very very overjoyed by how misery has been turned into reproducing blessings. do you love the christianese or what? there just doesn't seem to be a better way to state my anticipation.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA0gz8DMIjLIiriy3ifX5n55p4mhdrDwv-iXPI4zVCbnEwkSsRrbtRFX9GClCew_Ko9aCGbNjJpSKXfDNzdfoQ7r1Fmw0-E_KYzYuoe-LQOVL0A_mZS0tD-F3bgOWRg71O85ayoa3ARG7x/s1600/2010koten.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA0gz8DMIjLIiriy3ifX5n55p4mhdrDwv-iXPI4zVCbnEwkSsRrbtRFX9GClCew_Ko9aCGbNjJpSKXfDNzdfoQ7r1Fmw0-E_KYzYuoe-LQOVL0A_mZS0tD-F3bgOWRg71O85ayoa3ARG7x/s320/2010koten.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>so shinobu baba is one of my favourite artists. i found his work in nagasaki last month and just fell in love. i'm not often smitten with landscapes and i could never never paint one. yak. i'm awful. i do organic stuff, mostly. however baba's presentation of simple streets and everyday experiences are like that of a child's. buildings and clouds seem to be made of the same matter and light has substance and a presence as round drops of color. <br />
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but there are almost never any people in his scenes. well, the 'scapes themselves have enough movement, drama, and whimsy for there not to have any animals in them at all, but sometimes they make me a bit sad. they're like beautiful masks, hiding... nothing, because there's nothing to hide... because there exists nothing.... nobody.<br />
<a name='more'></a>that made me think of mondo guerra today. remember him? the awkwardly brilliant winner of project runway season 8? i adore him. from the first episode, i was a fan. i think it was mostly because i could relate to the particular problem he had during that episode.<br />
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all the contestants had already become acquainted with one another and were beginning to form relationships, but mondo hadn't fully connected yet and was off in other rooms many times. i wanted to go back in time, fly to ny and hug him. yes, even among weirdo artists, there could be the "weirdo artist."<br />
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one thing that plagued me all my life was being "different." <br />
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DING DING DING! cliche number two! woohoo! ooooh, this post is gonna be a winner!<br />
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yes, i'm one of THOSE. except that i don't mean it to say that i always dressed in black and wore black lipstick and sat in the corner of my classrooms as a child and cut myself. (umm... i'm not saying i didn't do those things either) but i suppose i discovered early in life that the ways in which i was "different" from my peers were so very strange that they were actually intolerable. no matter how many times or which kind of peers i chose to have, it was the same story. so my life mission was to be as normal and blended in as possible.<br />
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so that's enough of trying to explain something that's too boring to read in one post...<br />
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anyway, just as it might surprise folk that there could be outcasts among outcasts, i wonder if it surprises people that there are persecuted people within the Church. or better yet, i wonder if people in the Church know that they are doing the persecuting. ooh, fun questions, no?<br />
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it's a grand and wonderful ideal to have a family of strangers who comfort and accept, with no expectation of reciprocation. what a dream to work for such a community. but i wonder what can be done to prepare for the long-haul, to incorporate the truly lost, and to discover each other's complexities.<br />
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these have been issues that i've dealt with and hoped to ask about over many years because in such an idealistic community, it's not easy "blending in" since that would require lots of disguise, which contradicts the aim and method of such a paradigm. however, though it's never spoken of, to a certain degree, the truly "intolerable" do have to keep most of themselves hidden until the right time in order to protect themselves and to avoid burdening the rest of the group. it's a truth that nobody will say, but everybody screams, through behavior.<br />
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later, mondo, with his raw talent and honest vulnerability, climbed his way into the hearts of the judges and many viewers. and finally, he became the winner of the entire competition. but i still wonder... in his quiet moments, during his travels or at home, if he still experiences the distance between his intolerable "difference" and those whom he considers his peers.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-58130711452983819372010-12-29T23:12:00.000-08:002010-12-29T23:12:02.050-08:00plum oolongsoothing oaky-ness, the front man for a bold plum aroma. passive aggressiveness in flavor.<br />
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i had a staff meeting at <a href="http://www.harlemplacecafe.com/">harlem place cafe,</a> a little hide-away in downtown l.a. that's nestled in between some buildings. they've got this prohibition era inspired attitude about them. whom? i dunno. the people who run it? <br />
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anyway, we'll be having our january show there so yay for us.<br />
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you know when you expose an inner portion of yourself and those to whom you revealed it slash it with a knife? well, i found something that'd make anyone wish that that was what was happening: when someone doesn't respond.<br />
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mission for the rest of this year: learn the lesson of the plum oolong.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-90341044844954188502010-12-26T17:22:00.000-08:002010-12-26T17:23:58.985-08:00apricot rumsteamy aroma of tangy fruit danced in the space before me as i fought hard to keep my voice quiet in a capsule of a room today.<br />
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i would be misrepresenting the subject if i did not address disappointment in the discourse of relationships. is that what this has become? a blog about relationships? oh God, i'd rather be forced to watch "harry potter" movies, back-to-back for a week.<br />
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and please forgive the following writer's taboo: hahahaha!<br />
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there is no discourse here! for that, more than the bi-annual friend with her/his charitable visit would have to frequent these posts. this blog is the video store of online spaces.<br />
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so enough self-loathing... on to the subject.<br />
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well, that's what it's always been, hasn't it? my musings regarding relationships... haven't i covered this before? what contemplatable work can avoid it? even architects designing buildings are working on a way to conduct interactions between people. and art theorists would argue that architecture isn't a fine art.<br />
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anyway, back to the tea house.<br />
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i was meant to have relaxing tea and stimulating conversation with a friend today, but was blind-sighted by a <a href="http://thestarkat.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html">monster</a> with its gargantuan fists swinging in all the directions toward which i was escaping. it had incubated real good--for days... that accounted for its strength. man, was it a beast to fight.<br />
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exhausted. gettin me some "clueless" and early.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhro4Rx0p9o5fqetnncRab2D_jBIYNz18_FI6O6jCakZ0b-MP0slP6t14iOmwv3nnhFT6VxyBp7fI8ENLwiIt0VxZsKHt20HY4nX75Lq9DF-xWMh8H7uNgHb22YBoRoc-nAi2ZAafPcL3Gh/s1600/IMG_0474.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhro4Rx0p9o5fqetnncRab2D_jBIYNz18_FI6O6jCakZ0b-MP0slP6t14iOmwv3nnhFT6VxyBp7fI8ENLwiIt0VxZsKHt20HY4nX75Lq9DF-xWMh8H7uNgHb22YBoRoc-nAi2ZAafPcL3Gh/s320/IMG_0474.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">how much do you love when people post pictures of their pets?</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-25842477850717270932010-12-25T00:07:00.000-08:002010-12-25T02:02:59.935-08:00cold barleywhen i first moved to the states from korea when i was 6, i saw americans drinking clear water and thought, "ew, gross. americans are dirty. they drink washing water." i had never drunk regular water in korea. barley tea was for drinking. clear water was for washing.<br />
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so today is christmas eve. one of my favourite days of the year.<br />
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a friend and i went to christmas service at our church's new campus (kind of like a "branch"). i've been excited about this new church plant and excited to get to know our new pastor. he's different from many of the other pastors at my church. he shares openly and often about how God speaks to him and he seems to feel free to express his worship and the using of his spiritual gifts in more open ways than most of the other pastors at my church. ok... i'll be flat about it--he's a lot more charismatic than the rest. that's more clear, yes?<br />
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i was excited about that because his seemed to be closer to my style of worship. <br />
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here's a question... has anyone else noticed that, often, the more charismatic groups of believers seem to experience God's presence and power a great deal, but express and live out His love less than other groups?<br />
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i was part of a very very young church who went through a growth spurt, in which they experienced God's presence very powerfully. it was a great season of free worship, passionate prayer, and new ministries popping up like sean combs' stage names. but it also became the group by which many people felt rejected, detached, and unseen.<br />
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i went to a conference last year where world-renown ministers came to speak. it was a metallica concert of healings and miracles. but in between seminars, the people were very distant from each other and lacked the kind of warmth and kindness that i was used to in my community.<br />
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on one of the nights of the conference, i had left my sketchbook in the main meeting room and so went back after the doors were closed to get it. the woman at the door opened it coldly and sternly told me that i should quickly retrieve it because i don't belong there. talk about your freezing buckets of water in the face.<br />
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it ain't no joke about 2 corinthians 13, huh?starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-3853556199110983562010-12-23T23:15:00.000-08:002010-12-25T02:03:42.381-08:00kukichaorganic green tea. roasted tea twigs and stems from japan. very mild earthy quality... almost briny. so different from how i thought it would taste.<br />
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i had tea and soup with an old friend today. hmm, that's very strange to say. he's actually a former student of the campus mission organization with whom i used to be on staff. being from an asian culture, describing him as a friend is bizarre. like addressing your professor father as "professor" in public. almost a little gross?<br />
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what is it with asians? why do 40 year olds look like 20 year olds? and why do they treat you like you're a child if you're remotely younger than they are?<br />
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we touched on that between our sips of tomato basil bisque.<br />
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where does one draw the line between what i feel comfortable portraying about myself and what others prefer to view in order to perceive the proper elements of myself? for a creative person who lacks that natural ability to sense social nuances, this is becoming a life-long quest.<br />
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it's easy to complain about the general public's refusal to understand that people are made of a multitude of dimensions. often, this is what artists use to justify their angst and exemption from society. we struggle with fettering off the labels imposed upon us so much that it becomes a game of cat and mouse; artists are constantly trying to outwit their audiences' ideas of them. naturally, this is a generalization in itself. but honestly, it's quite often true.<br />
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however i refuse to be so delusional. one can't escape the judgment (i make a distinction between "judgment" and "condemnation") of people. it's how a person processes data--make conclusions. otherwise how can anything be known? it's the natural way that i can be understood. there must be an initial idea of what and who i am, just as there is in knowing anything else. it would be absurd to ask others to make no conclusions about me at all. that leads to fear and distance. it's the initial data of someone or something that causes further exploration.<br />
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yet, i can't help but wish that the initial conclusions of people that people make only serve to be a sketch of the entire person, rather than the foundation. it gets tiresome to try to purposely convey myself without being self-conscious.<br />
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while the bisque was gone, the answer to the question of the elusive line was yet to be found. indeed, a life-long quest.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-36484694893911826282010-12-09T00:23:00.000-08:002010-12-25T02:05:19.614-08:00nagasaki matcha lattethere's a crackling as the hot water is poured over the powder. and soon, green froth floats above a soothing elixir of potent flavor.<br />
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i recently took a trip to nagasaki, japan. it's what my church calls a <a href="http://thepeaceplan.com/">PEACE</a> trip.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtrIXYuVRdeC9kVISt-IeY5-osm-PDcjHtLhQKAZRtyStiNOrv56ZCDmsNLwbJH-ysIk0P1sjMbb3BdLWU8iUIURVDusqz2J5oOy1UjEtmcsRqxfCtgRugkuYIdrVZ6EOhqWt_H2bGPWSw/s1600/japan+peace+iphon4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtrIXYuVRdeC9kVISt-IeY5-osm-PDcjHtLhQKAZRtyStiNOrv56ZCDmsNLwbJH-ysIk0P1sjMbb3BdLWU8iUIURVDusqz2J5oOy1UjEtmcsRqxfCtgRugkuYIdrVZ6EOhqWt_H2bGPWSw/s320/japan+peace+iphon4.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<a name='more'></a>at a gospel concert put on by nagasaki baptist church, the director of the choir sang "amazing grace". how many times have i heard this song? yet this woman, clutching her cane and singing words i didn't understand, communicated its intent with a longing and declaration that made me listen anew. during the second verse, i realized that she had to have once been so desperate for hope that when it came, it was like sight to the blind.<br />
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later my team learned that she comes from a town known for the largest amount of martyrdom of christians in japan. we wondered how she came to be a christian, since that town is about 2 hours away from nagasaki. it turns out she went to a gospel concert that nagasaki baptist church put on and joined the choir. she said that spending time with the choir and experiencing what they were singing about led her to invite Christ to be her Savior and Lord.<br />
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what gets a japanese woman, with an injured leg and enormous talent, to forgo her culture of polished images and self-sufficiency and throw herself recklessly at a belief of which she has no tangible proof?<br />
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they say it's the hot water. she and all the members of the choir kept telling us that when they experience the passion and love of God through the christians in their lives, they can't deny that He exists.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-77607772017134929232010-10-28T19:59:00.000-07:002010-12-25T02:05:56.563-08:00cherry blossomgreen tea dancing with tunes of sweet tang and floral ribbons.<br />
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another email from the assailant. my ministry staff and i have been indulging him by responding to each of his accusational points and gently asking him to cease his slanderous tones. however with each communication from us, he's been flinging back at us, not responses, but more of his opinions and arrows.<br />
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today's the limit.<br />
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i couldn't sleep at all two nights ago. i went to an important meeting early the following morning, slow and zombie-fied. i'd never been under such direct attack and blatant unmerited insults. none of us have ever met this guy.<br />
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so today, the part of love that does not delight in evil, but embraces truth had to take action.<br />
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exhausted. thank you, God for green tea and cherry.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo0828w2MWNyo4r-2m5Xf26RtvcNHe5ERP3uRRr_glsaZe2Nl92RFR54ihDokgDoh2GiyZCYony8vmwzvkin7S8J7Gxmcp0GG9krnQtVYZ_H7xvzrOPbIZsU6p0U6fxAmVvq_wfspvpJR-/s1600/skept+guy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo0828w2MWNyo4r-2m5Xf26RtvcNHe5ERP3uRRr_glsaZe2Nl92RFR54ihDokgDoh2GiyZCYony8vmwzvkin7S8J7Gxmcp0GG9krnQtVYZ_H7xvzrOPbIZsU6p0U6fxAmVvq_wfspvpJR-/s320/skept+guy.jpg" width="245" /></a></div>starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-66313021180775327162010-10-27T22:16:00.000-07:002010-10-27T22:16:24.403-07:00vanilla comorroblack tea with a hint of vanilla--a scent that became wildly popular during the 90's and quickly nauseating in the 2000's.<br />
<br />
this business of hating folk... truly a destructive force, i must say. it doesn't necessarily propel as much anger as it boils, does it?<br />
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so after some time of wrestling with my utter hideousness, i've come to a conclusion--i have to let it go. and it's not only possible, it's what this life is meant to do.<br />
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recently i came across some people whose philosophies were so set in stone in its most minor points that anything challenging those points in any hint of a way would be met with quick judgment and accusations. there was a time when i was that way...<br />
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i do not regret my passion, nor what i stood for. however i do regret the manner with which i communicated them. <br />
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i can't continue to hate. it's too energy-consuming. and i need my energy to fight off the forces that attack those i love.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-7445898217946696882010-10-23T01:04:00.000-07:002010-12-25T02:06:42.606-08:00chocolate soufflehoneybush, chocolate chips, cream caramel pieces, rosebud<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">birth of scraps</td></tr>
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having recently been blind-sighted a few times, by people i trusted, with information that they chose to use to sever their ties with me, i began to wonder if i'm the only one who lives the way i was taught--if something's wrong, fix it.<br />
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i was sitting in a cafe with a friend, talking about a film. she was obscenely loud and the entire room was shooting surreptitious glares my way. naturally she didn't notice. she lived in freedom from social awareness. however i couldn't bare disturbing others and i really couldn't stand her being THAT GIRL. so i lowered my head and whispered to her that she was being a bit loud.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
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"oh, oops," she said, crouching into her chair suddenly, looking around to find judgmental stares melting into casual conversations. "thanks. anyway..." and the insanity continued in our small bubble of heated debate.<br />
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this is how i've always conducted my relationships. if someone i love has some kind of impairment, especially one that hurts others, i was taught to help. you try to fix before throwing it away, no?<br />
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now let's go way down the line.<br />
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after months of watching a dear friend detach herself from her close friends and family and retreat into her world of isolation and self-destructive habits, i offered ice-cream and a reality check. in between "i love you's" and "i want you to be happy's," i explained to her what she's been doing and how it's been affecting me. i'll be honest. it hurt me. and i was also confused and afraid of even having that talk with her.<br />
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the result of the 5 hour-long talk was an intimate bond that was stronger than any other friendship she'd had before. and away we went on our adventure of taking on the world.<br />
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am i living in a fantasy world? is it just me? or is it an epidemic of an emotionally stunted, self-absorbed, feeble-minded generation with ADHD and acute narcissism that causes people to endure months, even years, of a wrong and then only talk about it in order to end the friendship rather than to improve and strengthen it? has this simply become an entire generation of passive aggressives?<br />
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it seems to be fitting behavior, though, for a culture whose computers are outdated the moment it's brought home and where one can consider another person a friend without having ever shared physical space with him/her. if machines that we rely on for the conducting of our lives can be changed more often than lady gaga outfits, why not relationships, right?<br />
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in business, everybody knows it's more efficient to strengthen the team you have rather than to recruit more or new team members; it's easier to sell to current clients rather than to acquire new ones. yet, i still wonder... do most people opt for using conflicts to <span class=" fbUnderline">throw away</span> a friendship, or to <span class=" fbUnderline">fix</span> it?starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-78374522694793649852010-10-18T00:05:00.000-07:002010-12-25T02:07:49.490-08:00lemonade matchawhat is the thread in the human experience?<br />
relationship.<br />
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there was a time when i would've answered "pain, significance, sex, or disappointment." the last thing i would have thought of was relationship. yet, each of my possible answers have an underlying origin--relationship.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5e4Nqgmi4UpZc_YZ34OPYQelnmZ-VcNBJLZpks4MvUZrHBsbI9nQXITmhYPLUx5b_tF47PyTK7G5kPTySrrIbZ7LlBLXg6KDTq7tC9x7sWHpxOocc_GVuBBUcMXUVwBwJRrEbisyUFkvt/s1600/two+faces+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5e4Nqgmi4UpZc_YZ34OPYQelnmZ-VcNBJLZpks4MvUZrHBsbI9nQXITmhYPLUx5b_tF47PyTK7G5kPTySrrIbZ7LlBLXg6KDTq7tC9x7sWHpxOocc_GVuBBUcMXUVwBwJRrEbisyUFkvt/s320/two+faces+2.jpg" width="281" /></a></div><br />
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<a name='more'></a>i went to a birthday dinner party, tonight, which represented a diverse array of relational issues. well, what party doesn't, right?<br />
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as wicked as i think this may be toward the person whose party it was, i was supremely relieved upon the conclusion of the soiree. i couldn't be more disappointed with myself at what i discovered as a result. i think that for the first time in my life, i actually hate somebody. it's a strange sensation. i've hated humans, as a general species, but i've never hated a particular one of them. it's intriguing. and exhausting! no wonder people have major on-going anger issues. they have hatred brewing inside of them, looking for any opportunity to escape.<br />
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it's different from what i'm akin to--rejection. hatred doesn't desire reconciliation or a change in relationship. it doesn't regret anything from the past. it wants severance... and perhaps some horrific tragedy would be delightful.<br />
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i'll be honest--i'm frightened by this ability. i think the experience of this is worse than the hate itself.<br />
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time to break the sour...starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-27245289464072937532010-08-06T18:32:00.000-07:002010-08-06T18:32:39.392-07:00boracayso a very dear friend of mine, one with whom i've traveled a great deal around the realm of growth, and i had us a small visit yesterday. at one moment--a very calm and transitional moment--i was shocked at the image before me. my two friends, married, putting their son into a stroller pulled from the back of an SUV. <br />
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nevertheless, there we were, with our teas and sandwiches, talking about the latest couples in the ministry we used to be parts of. i swirled my coconut and mango mixture in my mouth and began to wonder if i'd ever meet anyone whose life began extremely spiritually passionate and, later, never became contrastly cold and doubtful.<br />
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perhaps it's a necessary step. i mean, in order to fully believe something, you've got to test it and experience it. no matter how convinced your mind is of a concept, how could your body and emotions and will get on board without being convinced themselves?<br />
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in this respect, could i say that i'm thankful for my bitter and cynical beginnings?starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-26493842362585057572010-07-17T21:01:00.000-07:002010-12-25T02:11:37.835-08:00iced bangkokgreen tea with a whisper of lemon grass. guest of honor--soy milk. <br />
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so this month, i'm in nyc. hot, sweaty nyc.<br />
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this afternoon, a friend of mine and i moseyed across pratt with our million pound computers to do a little work at a cozy little nook called pillow cafe. i worked on sketches for a client's calling card. it's a simple job. very cute, very bubbly client. naturally, i'm trying to find a loop-hole where i can add a bit of edge to the design.<br />
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but my thoughts kept crawling toward the events of the past week.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5_Z3f9D7kPZP7DZPj-ia3l-AbFAc79ucuVgmFp4JSKAQzf2CG2-g3vmdbhtI8uYD9ZfTeW0HhlthH1u-JJmnRWpy7rYkeiIU43A5-nIMdNv75V121Z4MTGvGFpazb7CypNdz4umt6wdJl/s1600/summer+in+nyc+2010-19.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5_Z3f9D7kPZP7DZPj-ia3l-AbFAc79ucuVgmFp4JSKAQzf2CG2-g3vmdbhtI8uYD9ZfTeW0HhlthH1u-JJmnRWpy7rYkeiIU43A5-nIMdNv75V121Z4MTGvGFpazb7CypNdz4umt6wdJl/s320/summer+in+nyc+2010-19.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7p_ZTcu4GgM9obvIEO4VAF91yk_W_LbdLNGMtuAozrjSz1JdnDpcUUcNShLr9vGMpgy9_f0pxiouDzBdxJ81Q6LUGpEfcJm68vlD3RFlUSoCEYfU4OrFdi8N03SC4ffmI25ZfbAf3U4zy/s1600/summer+in+nyc+2010-114.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7p_ZTcu4GgM9obvIEO4VAF91yk_W_LbdLNGMtuAozrjSz1JdnDpcUUcNShLr9vGMpgy9_f0pxiouDzBdxJ81Q6LUGpEfcJm68vlD3RFlUSoCEYfU4OrFdi8N03SC4ffmI25ZfbAf3U4zy/s320/summer+in+nyc+2010-114.JPG" /><a name='more'></a></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisUDmO2oogKji3igLtL42R4AiR46WO1yPr2GsZi_KJPHWfFt1arpk_OVFhmZlCVRILEmCWEbwV1XFnI6dBvaKFkFQ1r9eA14hfegez3nqHylOumWW8ToVjaX4RYrChh2wMYY86URhWrXZ4/s1600/summer+in+nyc+2010-115.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisUDmO2oogKji3igLtL42R4AiR46WO1yPr2GsZi_KJPHWfFt1arpk_OVFhmZlCVRILEmCWEbwV1XFnI6dBvaKFkFQ1r9eA14hfegez3nqHylOumWW8ToVjaX4RYrChh2wMYY86URhWrXZ4/s320/summer+in+nyc+2010-115.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDsSVAJBA0HXmOUx2TtU8vFgGarOm5XsWoA2E3sZTN7PqMQPzjoaa6d1ESX-lwdAZv7t4t2ZUp3IunC1Y42PtaqAUYMmE0d_1IOa0VQ4VsqwWWArMmuTd29f0m9dj3A43_XFf8xWrqvX1Q/s1600/summer+in+nyc+2010-127.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDsSVAJBA0HXmOUx2TtU8vFgGarOm5XsWoA2E3sZTN7PqMQPzjoaa6d1ESX-lwdAZv7t4t2ZUp3IunC1Y42PtaqAUYMmE0d_1IOa0VQ4VsqwWWArMmuTd29f0m9dj3A43_XFf8xWrqvX1Q/s320/summer+in+nyc+2010-127.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFzsma-3CTAjLqFoPOt7Vv13f9M7SiedTZSg_6zTBwHTpTghtna6T4R6_neM7yvj4JlhjumoLTvOQpA3ZqT4GDglXapD72nLmvbXpxdW57lMi4xXg9Odv8M44aVJKwlvFxvUhDEO0QXSFG/s1600/summer+in+nyc+2010-129.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFzsma-3CTAjLqFoPOt7Vv13f9M7SiedTZSg_6zTBwHTpTghtna6T4R6_neM7yvj4JlhjumoLTvOQpA3ZqT4GDglXapD72nLmvbXpxdW57lMi4xXg9Odv8M44aVJKwlvFxvUhDEO0QXSFG/s320/summer+in+nyc+2010-129.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji5veRmksf8pIl_E7NHt-Os5eeY8t5y12Om8J6HvOveoBMim-W-swa3pFC7bREs6XtZoIAAsggyXT3zqvjOyJxOqmF_N1hMKd6NWV1-_L4mlXPNyvjTArC7xQCEmdiGZC54Tbem5wZVVOq/s1600/summer+in+nyc+2010-130.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji5veRmksf8pIl_E7NHt-Os5eeY8t5y12Om8J6HvOveoBMim-W-swa3pFC7bREs6XtZoIAAsggyXT3zqvjOyJxOqmF_N1hMKd6NWV1-_L4mlXPNyvjTArC7xQCEmdiGZC54Tbem5wZVVOq/s320/summer+in+nyc+2010-130.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
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i participated in an art show called "intersection" in the city that was created by 21 young artists from all around the country. each piece was a collaborative work inspired by one of 7 different words. "intome|see" is a piece inspired by "intimacy," in which the tags, suspended under sensual drapery of fabric, reveal the inner-most thoughts of various people involved in the show.<br />
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when you ask an artist to write down what is hidden behind the confines of the public persona, though not all writings will merit it, you must prepare to read a great deal of disturbance. i'm sure guests of the show were not expecting to find such young and seemingly normal people to carry thoughts or experiences of suicide, murder, betrayal, duplicity, sexuality, addiction, abuse, rage, and darkness.<br />
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however, how much of what is written in this piece is truly shocking to the core? as i perused through it, i wondered if these weren't, in reality, a sample of a common experience of humanity. <br />
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there is green tea in china and korea. but there is also green tea in argentina and chile.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-79105703583422200792010-07-05T15:14:00.000-07:002010-12-24T23:31:01.715-08:00fijian sunsetorganic green tea, papaya, and wild pineapple.<br />
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a sister visited from korea so what began as a gang of people became an intimate flock who gathered around an order of devourable hummus and blue corn chips. <br />
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what makes a community? certainly not a mosh-pit of wandering 20 somethings escaping from reality to a false sense of stability. yet there we were, catching up on each other's lives which had long since joined the rest of the world with all of its laws of cause and effect. we were like old friends, now all mothers, getting together for tea on a summer afternoon... except absolutely nothing like that at all.<br />
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there were talks of new careers, going back to grad school, and mulling over what country to live in next. certainly not a soccer-mom discussion. life after having buried 2 years of your life in a foreign country can bring about some interesting postpartum symptoms.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-41041332431471208702010-06-13T19:45:00.000-07:002010-06-13T19:59:59.066-07:00raspberry blissmet with a former student of cal state fullerton, where i used to direct a campus mission group. <br /><br />that class is all grown up now and having careers of their own... it's strange to see them be actual humans with lives that have weight and consequences. is that not the ultimate (no, i'm not going to say paradox) irony? i spent 4 years getting them to believe that their lives are significant and when i see that they live that way, i'm fascinated.<br /><br />what did he drink? i think it was north end... a puh-er tea with a hint of chocolate. i had a tin of it at home and it was gone in 3 days. <br /><br />raspberry bliss sounds pokingly sweet, but it had a blanket of flavor. not that the taste covered my tongue, but that it made me think of being wrapped in a blanket. it wasn't hot tea, but something about it's aroma and limited acidity was... round...<br /><br />like the former student's journey into the great unknown. because of so many twists and turns, it was expected to be poky, but is proving to be just what he needed.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-21880647307880917432010-05-24T11:38:00.000-07:002010-05-24T12:09:32.891-07:00kombucha plumso i'm a frequent patron at this wonderful gem of a nook in fullerton called tranquil tea lounge. it's the best place to find truly lovely tea and delicious food for normal people prices in orange county.<br /><br />many an interesting conversation have been had over their tea and i've decided to comment on them as i have them... so here goes:<br /><br />the first of many tea experiences.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_NyUyQMvOkIQ/S_rOwIKMLrI/AAAAAAAAABk/H6XXpq5LmHQ/s1600/photo.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_NyUyQMvOkIQ/S_rOwIKMLrI/AAAAAAAAABk/H6XXpq5LmHQ/s320/photo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5474915623241526962" border="0" /></a>i thought this green tea would taste heavily of fruity tanginess, but it did not. it was delightfully fragrant and subtly plum-y. and the color of it made me feel like i was drinking a melted jewel concocted for angels or mythical deities.<br /><br />we giggled and chatted about weddings and my absolute detest of korean buffet catering. it was like one of those scenes in movies that make cackling hen of women. i didn't care. someone i dearly care about is getting married and i'm going to be a girl.<br /><br />she's giving me an entire party to plan... with a generous budget! i must say my mind is reeling.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-75073998417527976472010-05-20T21:14:00.000-07:002010-05-20T21:49:29.609-07:00parachute pantsso commitment and consistency might not be one of my strongest suits (this is commenting on the fact that it's been over a month since my past post). however, determination, i'm hoping, will overcome that weakness...<br /><br />anyway, i watched "the september issue" yesterday and was deeply moved. is it terribly cliche of me? i can't help it. despite my madness over films like "citizen kane" (yes, i am publicly admitting that i genuinely enjoy it), "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind," "giant," and "la jette," i am, at heart, a girlie girl who also loves "clueless," "breakfast at tiffany's," "music and lyrics," and "the devil wears prada."<br /><br />"september" was quite literally the real life version of "prada," complete with that moment--a mere instant--of human sorrow and vulnerability. but it was enough to touch me. as an artist, i understand the significance of creating and partaking in culture. however there was definite pain in the eyes of the woman who had given all of her life for something that is such a thin sliver of that of others.<br /><br />and don't get me wrong. i absolutely adore fashion. i've been a dailycandy subscriber since they first started and despite the mocking glances of my best friends 3 years ago, i purchased a fabulous little pair of purple parachute pants at h&m for only $10 and now they're everywhere for much more. however the sober truth is that the importance of that aspect of life has increased dramatically from its true meaning by the business itself. if all the aspects of life were charted out, the clothes one wears would not be allotted the same amount of units as... say... health. or education. and what about the different subdivisions of those? mental health, emotional health, philosophy, world view... the categories are too numerous to count. surely, the value of CLOTHES would not want to compete with the value of those things, though most of us live as if it does... and has won.<br /><br />nevertheless, i believe the human soul, though undetected, must sense... or even measure all the ways in which it is being fulfilled--investing and gaining. and if that is the case, i would think that pouring all of my other categories into this one tiny one, leaving the rest blank, might, at one time or another, give me a sense of emptiness.<br /><br />therefore, that fleeting glimpse of sincerity on the face of anna wintour during the last few seconds of the film struck me with compassion and reality.starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-85148915182385309862010-04-01T00:49:00.000-07:002010-04-01T01:16:13.837-07:00rantings of the madman building a garden in my mind grapes<span style="font-family:lucida grande;">so... today i was suddenly attacked by a monster. it clung to my shoulders and wouldn't let go, but it did travel. to my head. there, it began to dig and dig, and i thought i would die from the pain if it hadn't abruptly stopped to lay eggs. they hatched and pretty soon there were millions of them crawling all over.<br /><br />o_O<br /><br />i don't suppose i mentioned in any of my past postings about a huge event that my ministry is having on april 23rd and 24th? yes, well, i have now, haven't i?<br /><br />it's something that i've been dreaming about for years, since i graduated college--to be an artist who ministers to other artists so that they may reach still other artists. (i won't go into the details of my calling now. much of the philosophy can be read about in a condensed format at derekstar.org) needless to say, i have no model to follow in doing this, yet i keep meeting new artists who want discipleship and to be a part of such a community of creative people.<br /><br />monster, thy name is stress<br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQNYZaP7JyMexUCi76lrj7pQUie7Ii1OFBZj81sApvzdLRl4QwnHpJy2ZM89Rc38iA35b_VRmXcj9aphVwq5IYC76ze2maD4nWkw7XwUsEdihQlI7xDlgZPLL2zzs8WhlePmE9dfWY7AxD/s1600/girl+smokes.jpeg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 258px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQNYZaP7JyMexUCi76lrj7pQUie7Ii1OFBZj81sApvzdLRl4QwnHpJy2ZM89Rc38iA35b_VRmXcj9aphVwq5IYC76ze2maD4nWkw7XwUsEdihQlI7xDlgZPLL2zzs8WhlePmE9dfWY7AxD/s320/girl+smokes.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455076586945326226" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: lucida grande;">this reminds me of when i drew this.<br /><br />but there's a peace and a confidence in knowing that God knows what i'm going through and cares about my issues enough to address them. this morning, in His Word, He prepared me for this assault on my sanity:<br /><br /></span><em style="font-family: lucida grande;">When the Message we preached came to you, it wasn't just words. Something happened in you. The Holy Spirit put steel in your convictions. 1 Thessalonians 1:5a (MSG)</em><br /><br /><span style="font-family: lucida grande;">oh, the wonderful aroma of battle. don't you love when emotions fight will? ah, the stench~</span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;"><br /><br /></span>starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5376697656077754100.post-52612498801759126772010-03-25T17:40:00.000-07:002010-03-31T00:32:54.359-07:00normal and uncommon<span style="font-family:lucida grande;">sometimes i feel like i'm living in the 1% community of christians in the entire world that aren't absolute morons. is it sometimes, or all of the time?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">where did these people learn these ridiculous ideas? who taught them that it's "good" to be ignorant about religions, science, politics, and sex? why do they act completely out of their minds sometimes? what are they actually doing when they're "spending time with the Lord?" do they just sit there crouched in an uncomfortable position, hands folded, eyes closed, muttering to themselves morologic gibberish until they feel better? or pour over theological books for hours and write hundreds of pages about what that one word in revelations means? i mean, seriously, where are all the logical, practical people outside the few i know?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">recently, after my fling with studio 60, i finally became fed up with all the inaccurate portrayals of christians in the media. can you say, "cliche?" yes, i know. but follow me down to rabbit hole, won't you?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">it was never a curiosity before. i mean, it's only natural that most writers, producers, directors, and actors making the stuff that get the most audiences would know nothing about a belief that most of them find archaic, offensive, and controlling. they make plenty of shows and films about medicine, government, and law to which they are oblivious, and it shows in the inaccurate rubbish of all their particulars. my epidemiologist friend and i used to spend numerous delightful evenings laughing at the logic behind many episodes of house and star trek.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">however, once in a while, though imaginative and far-fetched, we come across a generally possible depiction of science, politics, family, world affairs, and life. (though, i will say that for the most part, these illustrations, as with all art, were meant to present </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:lucida grande;" >aspects</span><span style="font-family:lucida grande;"> of reality rather than the whole and so are yet quite departed from an entire representation) it isn't so different from the reality that we, as the audience, have come to know that we detach ourselves from it. that is the very backbone of narrative--to capture the perceiver with the believability so that one may take him anywhere one wants.<br /><br />yet it's nearly impossible for me to follow my story-tellers anywhere when they incorporate christians into their stories because i simply cannot believe it any longer. like when koreans watch "lost" and immediately become disillusioned with all the terrible korean being spoken. no matter how much i want to believe. it is impossible.<br /><br />so, WHY is there so little to no believable christian characters in american cimena/television? well, that's an entire theological book all on its own. however, one thing that's struck me recently is this:<br />THAT THERE ARE NO NORMAL CHRISTIANS AROUND.<br /><br />alright, to be fair, i actually mean... around those who are writing and making these art pieces.<br /><br />there are insane christian characters who kneel in the middle of a business meeting to pray and sleep with their bosses on tv. there are characters who go around in thick knitted sweaters condemning people and reciting bible verses from the king james version and saying that sex is a sin. and there are minister characters who look cool and swear and date non-christians and pray almost all day every day.<br /><br />where in the darkness of aphrodite's butt-hole did these writers get these ideas?!<br /><br />i submit that they got them from real life. no wonder non-christians are confused about what christians are like. there are very very few actually normal ones living.<br /></span>starkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06160293813037311023noreply@blogger.com0