Tuesday, November 15, 2011

pineapple black tea

strong and in your face.  it's not easy for me.

all my life, my closest friends had one complaint about me--that getting to know me was like the disney company.  it's easy to be drawn in, but nearly impossible to get to the core.  is that so terrible?

yes, it is.


i'd always needed lots of stimulation in the mind.  when things were too obvious and blatant, i tend to attribute less value to it.  flavors are always better in layers, stories seem more intriguing with twists, and paintings using more colors feel more sophisticated.

therefore, i never felt comfortable exposing me in one grand show.  who does?  however, i might've been a tad over-zealous in keeping things in layers.  for instance, in high school, i was a song-leader and key-club designer, but also in most of my classes, i was the weird girl in all black who sat in the corner and drew how people might die.  my classmates felt betrayed when they saw me performing at pep-rallies.  also, having been a teen in the 90s, naturally i was (and still am) a lover 90s hip-hop.  who can forget size 40 cross-colors?  and yet at home, i frequently enjoyed evenings in my bubble bath with bessie smith, a butera royal vintage, and a chocolate martini.  needless to say, my friends often felt like they didn't truly know me.

in my mind, i was leaving a trail of clues for those truly interested to gather and form an accurate opinion.  i never thought that that could be frustrating.  i do now.

ever meet a person so very much like yourself in one aspect that it sickens you?  on one hand, i'm thankful that i get to see how others might feel about my weaknesses.  and on the other hand, i want to strangle that person's neck.

anyone? 

yes, i'm seeing, through a friend of mine, that perhaps keeping all my worlds apart so strictly could be quite a frustrating and distance-forming habit.  i'm beginning to re-think how i reveal my life to those around me.

i will never be a pineapple black tea.  all that sugar and flavor all at once.  yak.  but perhaps i don't have to be so hidden and my layers so well-guarded that it takes all eternity to figure out.

No comments:

Post a Comment